1. Body Paint Spider-Man
THIS! This is what it’s come down to. Spider-Man 3 was so goddamn bad that I would rather sit through 2 hours of this guy swinging more than just web around New York City than see Tobey reprise his role as Peter Parker.
2. Weird Foreign Spider-Man
Other countries always have a unique take on American pop-culture. I’m willing to see where it goes.
3. Old, Drunk and Fat Spider-Man
It’s hard enough for the regular Joe to feel any kind of connection with the wall crawler, what with his six-pack abs and awesome super powers. I think it’s time we flip the script and give us someone we can really relate to.
4. S&M Spider-Man
When studios realized after the success of the Dark Knight that maybe they should go in a darker direction, you can only imagine them developing something like this. Batman likes to party, Iron Man likes to drink, why not let Spider-Man get a little kinky? Tobey needs to be spanked for ruining movies anyway.
5. Knitting Spider-Man
100x more interesting than watching another Spider-Man movie with James Francos’ Green Goblin (and Tobey).
6. Bad Spider-Man
Here’s a twist. Instead of “going emo”, Spider-Man puts on a 100 pounds and starts robbing banks. That is turning bad…not dancing and pointing “gun fingers”.
7. Homeless Spider-Man
Actually I don’t want to see a homeless Spider-Man movie, I just really want Tobey McGuire to be homeless।
8. Public Service Spider-Man
After spooging web fluid all over New York, I think it’s time Spidey gets to cleaning। He’s like a teenager with free late-night Cinemax out there and it’s time they deal with this। Yes, washing windows interests me more than another McGuire version.
9. Baby Spider-Man
Remember the movie “Baby Geniuses 2″? I’d rather see a Spider-Baby Geniuses than another Tobey version
10. The Scarlet Spider
I debated using this one because it almost makes sense. The Scarlet Spider was a bonafide super hero in the Spider-Man comics. But then he loses all credibility by hiding his leotard under a baby blue hoodie. Even so, he’s better than Tobey McGuire.